Ever had a moment of wakefulness, and I don’t mean from sleep I mean from unconsciousness?

Those moments when your eyes open fully and you see your life in all its glory. And it’s not the life you had hoped and dreamed of.

As children we are fed so many stereotypes. It is drilled into us, what to do and not to do what is expected of us when we grow up? So we go about doing just that….trying to fulfil these expectations.

How come we don’t stop and look before we leap? How come we don’t educate ourselves in the things that truly matter? How come we follow in the steps of our parents even when we vow and declare “to never end up like that"?
 
I guess as humans we are creatures of habit, when set patterns of behaviour or thinking becomes locked in, it becomes the way we do things, without question.
 
Even if that thought or behaviour is bad for us and contrary to our happiness or wellbeing we will continue to do the same thing over and over, yet wanting different results.

We hate change and resist it with all our might. Some of us are so fearful of change we stay in abusive marriages or stifling relationships or jobs that are unfulfilling. We continue to repeat old patterns of behaviour that hold us fixed in one place-like running in circles.

For me, when my first awakening occurred I was so devastated, overwhelmed, distressed that how could my life have become like this. The sense of powerlessness was immobilising and my eyes slammed shut for quite some time. Denial is a powerful force.

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But having been opened once, they were destined to open again.

The next time this moment of wakefulness happened I was more prepared for what I saw and the horror was less intense. Even though I initially had not made any changes in what I was doing, thinking, or creating in my life from the first view.

The next time being braced enabled me to hold my glance for longer, not to go into self-pitting, guilt or shame. To look with the eyes of compassion, to understand that my life was where it was, due to a variety of experiences I had as a child.

As a child, I was not taught to love and care for myself to treat myself with any sort of kind regard. My example had been two people who had immense issues and barriers themselves that went unaddressed.
 
The anger, self-loathing and addictive nature, were all bi-products of surviving in my childhood. These experiences had shaped me into who I had become.

My eyes had looked into this life of mine, the one that I had created unconsciously and I made a decision - If I wanted my life to be different only I could change that.

Frustration, anger, denial avoidance would continue, until I accepted what I had seen. If I choose to ignore or deny the need for real change then I would live a life of misery and regret.

So why would I choose that?

If my life had been built on my past experiences that would mean my future will be based on the experiences that I am creating now. This induces huge fear, fear of letting go, fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of success.

Do I pick up the challenge to grow? That is my choice.   

Judith Shapland is an author and counsellor in the fields of Mental Health, Homelessness, Alcohol and Drug Recovery.